I go to the cinema. A lot. Here’s my advice for going to the cinema:

Buy popcorn. Not nachos. Not ice cream. Not Revels or Maltesers. Popcorn. I prefer salted over sweet but the really advanced among you might like to go for the salt-sweet combo: half sweet at the bottom, half salt on top. That way just as the saltiness is becoming too much the sweetness kicks in.

Go alone. Or rather, don’t worry about going alone. You’re going to sit in silence in a dark room for two hours – does it matter if someone’s sitting beside you?*

Talk about the film afterwards. Unless it’s rubbish.

Complain. If something’s not right about the picture or the sound, complain straight away. Cinemas don’t employ the quality of staff they used to, it’s not going to get fixed unless you say something and you’re doing the whole cinema a favour. Plus, if you leave in the first forty-five minutes they have to refund the price of your ticket.

Go to the toilet beforehand. You might not need it now, but you will later.

Be on time. But grab one of the free magazines so you have something to read during the adverts.

Don’t sit at the back. On the back row you don’t get the full benefit of 3-dimensional cinema surround sound; sit as close to the centre of the cinema as you can.

Don’t sit at the front. You can’t see a damn thing.

* Exception to the rule: a good comedy is much better if the cinema is crowded.